Mom Steps Up

Cereal Update

Poor Vinnie!  His Mommy is hell bent on getting a good night's sleep and look at the torture that she puts him through in the name of a few Zzzzz's.

And in the end, he still woke up at 3am. 

I decided to try cereal one more time and then give it up ('cause quite honestly, I am not enjoying the change in diapers as we went through 2 outfits just this evening).  Tonight was a ton better!  No full body shakes or nothing.  He took all of the cereal tonight, so he must be over the shock of the new taste.

Selling Out

Yesterday was Vinnie's 4 month appointment. Over the weekend several people asked me if Vinnie had started cereal yet.  I said no and that after my "I have no milk" scare and knowing how much Emily fought me on cereal when she was 4 months old, I told them that even if the pediatrician tells me it is okay to start that I will hold off for awhile  - especially to make sure my milk production is doing okay.

So, the pediatrician asked how often Vinnie ate (every 3 hours) and how long he slept at night before getting up to eat (getting up @4-5am to eat).  She said that they recommend starting cereal if they baby is wanting to eat more than every 3 hours or cannot go for 8 hours at night.  She said babies at this age can go 8-12 hours.  Vinnie is barely making it 8 hours and in the past week the 4-5AM is more like 3AM.  She said that he may just be hungry and to try cereal.

Suddenly the pediatrician was offering me a good night's sleep (after 2 really, really bad nights) and it was sounding completely plausible that he wasn't sleeping well due to hunger. 

I stopped and picked up cereal on the way home from the appointment.  I am such a sell out!  All my talk of the weekend just tossed aside for the promise of a good night's sleep.

I mixed up that cereal and tried to give it to him last night.  To say he wasn't a fan is not a stretch by any means.  I got a few bites in him but then I think it got cold and he was almost gagging when I put it in his mouth and I was feeling ridiculous and evil for continuing the feeding so we bailed early.  I didn't think he got hardly anything.

But he slept through the night!  Well, not technically as he woke up at 1:45am and chatted away for awhile and eventually Brian rocked him back to sleep.  But he wasn't complaining for food, he just wanted to play.

So, I am trying the cereal again tonight.  Yes, I need to reaffirm that I am a complete and utter sellout.  Amazing what I will do for a good night's sleep.  Good thing the pediatrician didn't tell me to give him a shot of whiskey at night or I would have been at the liquor store instead.  I didn't realize how sleep deprived I was until someone dangled in front of me the thought of getting some good sleep and suddenly I am jumping through hoops to get it.

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  Do you know what happened a year ago today?  I got the surprise of my life when I peed on a stick "just to rule it out".  I was over a week late ... maybe I was even 2 weeks late ... yes, I was two weeks late ... and I had been really sick with a horrible cold that I couldn't get over.  I figured my period was late due to the illness, but started to get a little nervous about all the cough & cold medicine that I was taking and decided to use one of the pregnancy tests that I still had from our 3+ years of trying to have a baby just to make sure.

I peed on one stick and it came up right away as positive.  Not really believing it, I took another test immediately (technically -and in the TMI realm- I had peed in a Dixie cup so I still had first morning urine to use for the 2nd test).  Lo and behold it came up positive too!  I was pregnant!!  Which was pretty freakin' unbelievable after all that we had done to get pregnant and it didn't work.  We stopped trying and I got pregnant.

I still look at Vinnie and just give thanks to God for him on a near daily basis.  It still makes me weapy when I do it as I really cannot believe that he is here.  God is great!

(How many people did I freak out with the picture?  No, I am not pregnant now!)

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On the anti-depressant front, I called my doctor's office last Friday and told them than the Wellbutrin dried up my milk and I needed something else.  I figured it would take awhile for the insurance to pay for the 3rd antidpressant in a month (we had to jump through some hoops for the Wellbutrin), so I thought I would start the ball rolling.  I spoke to a receptionist tha said she would give the message to my doc and asked for my pharmacy number.  I didn't hear back from them so decided to check the pharmacy on Saturday and they had called in a script for me, there were no problems with insurance and I picked it up.

The new medicine is Cymbalta.  Shortly after picking up the meds, I was out of town for the night so I didn't get to do any research.  I did some research on Sunday and it does not appear to be an optimal choice for a nursing mom!!  At least it wasn't on the short list that I was using as reference.  Plus, other research was showing that it was okay to take if the mother's condition was bad enough.  Does not describe me at all. 

I really wish I could have spoken to my doctor before getting the prescription.  I just don't feel like he listened to me and took all of the factors into play before making a decision.  Especially because one of the side effects is "dryness" which is the same as Wellbutrin and the reason I think my milk dried up. 

I decided to wait and talk to Vinnie's pediatrician when I had him in to get her opinion due to the nursing.  Of course, I forgot to talk to her yesterday and now I am all confused.  In the perfect world, I just want to feel good without the medicines but I don't know if that is possible.  So far it hasn't been.

A funny side though ... my husband just sent me this article as I was typing this.  I find the concept fasinating. 

Worst 20 minutes of my life EVER!!

On Friday, I was vaccuming and looked up and realized that Emily's bus would be out there in one minute.  Her stop is at the end of the drive-way, so I didn't have far to travel.  I run outside to see the bus going up the street ... already having passed our house. But Emily wasn't in the drive-way.  I look up the street.  Emily isn't there.  I look down the street.  Emily isn't there either.  

I was confused as I thought that they let off the kids even if the parents aren't there and my house was wide open ... front door was open and even the garage door was open and you could see that my van was there.  I figured worse case the driver would have Emily check the door.

I started to run after the bus thinking that Emily was on it, but I then realized that I couldn't do that as I was leaving Vinnie alone in the house.  Plus, let's be honest ... I wasn't really catching up with the bus anyway.

So, I ran back home, threw Vinnie in the car seat (who knew I could really buckle him that quickly)  to throw him in the car to chase the bus. I figured that I could pull up behind it during one of the stops and run and get Emily off the bus.  I slid open the door to the van to put Vinnie in and I see Emily's back pack in the car!! So, I knew she had gotten off the bus!

BUT WHERE WAS SHE?

I was calling for her over and over again, but there was no answer.

I checked at her friend's house across the street. She confirmed that she got off the bus with Emily, but Emily wasn't there. I checked at her friend behind us. No Emily.

I called Brian and interrupted him out of a meeting.  He immediately left work and he called Kristen to come from her Mom's to come help.

My neighbor across the street came out came out to help me look and she went one way and I went another.

I was in complete panic mode wondering what beat up 4-door car she climbed into and whether or not I would even see her again! I really hadn't really contemplated that thought before, but it was now almost bringing me to my knees.  I had awful thoughts about the type of person that might have picked her up and what they might do with her.  I was trying to figure out when it was okay to call the police and was trying to remember what she had on that day and where recent pictures of her were. 

It has been about 10-15 minutes by now and I am running up and down the street SCREAMING her name. I know I sounded hysterical, but I didn't care. I was hysterical.

All I got were strange looks.  No answer from Emily.

I turned around as I couldn't see her going up as far as I had walked when Brian called me and told me to go home and look around the house or car to see if maybe something happened to her ... he said, "Think like she can't hear you and look everywhere. Maybe she passed out. Check the car."  I went from being mad at her for taking off to play with a friend (my initial assumption), to terrified that she was in the hands of a child predator and now was worried that she was in urgent need of medical care and I didn't even think of that possibility and didn't cover those bases.

I round the corner to our house and Emily is standing in the drive-way of our next door neighbor crying. The neighbor was out with her.  I have never been so thrilled to see her and she never looked as precious to me as she did right at that moment.  The relief washed over me and I finally fell to my knees and we both just sobbed.

When we both calmed down, I found out that Emily panicked when I wasn't at the stop.  She didn't know what to do and was so shook up that she didn't even try to come in the house.  She just went to our neighbors and knocked on their door crying "my Mommy isn't home".

We don't even know these neighbors, so I wouldn't have thought to look there. They have an older daughter who is confined to a wheel chair, so they are not outside. This was the first time I had met the Mom.  Based on Emily's story to her, she thought that I was running a few minutes late and had Emily come inside.  They came outside while I was up the street as they heard my yelling.

I do not know the last time I was so mentally and physically exhausted.  But at the same time, reminded about how blessed I am.  It was a horrible, horrible ordeal but in the end I sat on the couch with my two kids and we just held each other.  Sometimes it takes an event like this to really appreciate what you have - and that I did on Friday night!  That I did and continue to do every day ...

So, PSA for the day - make sure you have a back-up plan in case you don't make it to the bus stop!

Good Bye Happy Pills

Well, it was a fun ride while it lasted, but all good things must come to an end ...

It appears that the Wellbutrin is drying up my milk.  I started struggling with my supply last week, but I attributed it to the stomach bug I had on Saturday.  I couldn't even keep down water on Saturday, so I got pretty dehydrated. 

Well, by Friday I felt like I was getting worse, not better and had been into my freezer stash of expressed milk in order to get through the week.  I took out 5 bottles and only had enough to replace 1.  Normally, I was taking out 2 at the start of the week and then replacing it with 2 at the end of the week.  It wasn't hard to do the math and see that the 5:1 ratio wasn't going to end well.

I called Vinnie's pediatrician on Saturday morning and she did some research and couldn't find anything to say whether or not it was the medicine.  The timing of that stomach flu really threw everything off.  Her opinion was that I should have rebounded already from the illness, but to give it the weekend and if no improvement to talk to my doctor about the meds.

I then talked to my pharmacist on Saturday afternoon.  He got out the information on the med and found that one of the side effects is 'dryness'.  He said that it would be pretty easy to extrapollate that the medicine could be drying up my milk.

So, we'll know in a bit - but I am pretty sure that I am going to have to come off of Wellbutrin completely.  I think I am going to come off, get my milk supply re-established and then call my doc about a different medicine.  But I must admit - after struggling the past 3 weeks with the side effects of zoloft and now wellbutrin, I am a bit leary about trying something new.

*sigh*

CHAOS!

Chaos is ...

*working at a bank with only 2 of the 3 branches with power ... and the one without power?  Handles the phone system, of course.

*having to take your 6 year old to work with you.  Nothing like dragging in snacks, juice, DVD player, DVDs and a Nintendo DS.

*trying to figure out how to pump in the midst of keeping a 6 year old entertained and, oh yeah, answering bank support questions.

*doing all of this on little to no sleep as the dog woke up a ton last night and wanted water and then wanted to go out.  And every time she woke up barking, she woke up the baby.  *yawn*  Guess I need to figure out how to get the dog to the vet today for a UTI. 

Flying High!

Life is good! No, life is GREAT! I am having a wonderful day today and thought that I would share.

First of all, bless my darling son for sleeping through the night last night.  Sure I had to drag him to The Cheesecake Factory and keep him up beyond his bedtime in order to accomplish it, but he did it!  I woke up at 6am by the alarm, got a shower and completely ready before he finally got up around 7am.

Now my breasts were not as happy as I was at Vinnie's decision, but they (eventually) got over it although I have put them through the ringer today.  Vinnie ate and I decided I was going to try to pump a little earlier today at work to help pump off what he didn't eat in the middle of the night.  Well, I ended up working on an issue here at work that took me longer than I anticipated and ended up with a tech on-site and I blew right by my "early pumping time" and then snuck passed by "regular pumping time" too.

Again, I was in some discomfort as I made my way to the electrical closet to milk myself.  The good news is that in one session I pumped all that Vinnie will consume at daycare.  The bad news is that I tried out new ultra-thin breast pads today that a) totally suck at absorbancy and b) really suck when you put them in the wrong way.  If someone had thrown liquid at my breast then I would have absorbed quite nicely, however the liquid escaping from my breast just ran from the pad and escaped out my bra to my shirt.  So, while I was pumping on the left, my right side became soaking wet but because I was leasuring watching "The Patriot" on my little device, I had no clue until I stopped pumping and adjusted.

Luckily I am wearing a shirt today that does not show moisture stains and (so far) the gentle properties of breastmilk has kept me from smelling like a carton of milk past its due date.  I am just a bit damp on the right side - for several layers.

(By the by, I do not know what I had for dinner last night that is disagreeing with me, but it is not a good idea to lock yourself in a closet with no ventilation when you are suffering with bad gas.  I was at the same time afraid to open the door and afraid to keep it closed.  Bad stuff either way.)

All this talk of pumping and I am going to have to leave and go pump again as I am feeling a little tingly.  LOL

Whoa - I just left to help someone set up a spreadsheet and now I have no idea where I was in the conversation and I don't care to go back and read.  So there!

So I am wet and damp, but I ordered my favorite salad (Tina's Salmon Salad from Cafe Davinci if anyone cares) today and went to pick it up and - you will never believe this - I found myself singing in the car!  Yep!  I am so giddy that I am singing in the car!  However, if I happened to be under surveilance from some government officials, there ears are currently bleeding from the sharp objects they poked in their ears to make the "heinous sound to stop - just make it stop!".  I am such a poor singer that I even make sure my windows are not cracked as I pass someone while I am singing.  I haven't checked the fine print in my insurance policy, but I am pretty sure I am liable if my horrendous singing voice causes them to vere left of center hitting another car head on.

The sad thing is that I sing to Emily and Vinnie regularly - and they like it.  Poor kids!  They think that what I am doing is melodic.  They are so screwed!

So, just wanted to report that things are going well!  Damn - they are going pretty freakin' good today!  A night out, some wellbutrin, a good night's sleep and I am ready to tackle the world.  (Doesn't hurt that my FedLine router issue got resolved too!!  Woo Hoo!!)

Feeling Better

Nothing like posting about depression and then disappearing!  LOL  Aren't I a gem?

I waffled back and forth about what I wanted to do.  Was I in a funk from returning to work?  Was I truely depressed?  Was I being the parent I wanted to be?  (NO was the answer to that one.)

In the end, my husband reminded me what happened when I finally started taking wellbutrin last year.  About 2 weeks into it I announced that I had no idea that this is the way that other people were feeling day in and day out - I felt amazing.

So, for my kids I talked to my OB about anti-depressants.  She gave me zoloft (since I was nursing) and said to give it a try.

I took it for 10 days and then gave up due to the diabilitating headaches it was inducing.  Yeah, I felt better emotionally, but I was so drained from the headaches it just didn't matter.

I am currently weaning off of that and my regular doc gave me Wellbutrin again and told me to check with Vinnie's pediatrician on the Wellbutrin.  Pediatrician gave me the green light yesterday, so I am going to start back on the wellbutrin in a day or so.  I don't know that I am supposed to be this giddy about anti-depressants.

But from someone who has struggled with some level of depression all of my adult life, I guess it is understandable.  I've read books, I've tried counseling, etc.  But never felt like I could put it all together on a long term basis.  Have I been happy?  Most certainly.  And I do not suffer the level of depression as some where they cannot even get out of bed.  Mine just feels like I am always walking around with a wet blanket on my shoulders.

I am beginning to realize that a portion of this, for me, is chemical and I am okay with that.  Whether it is just my age or the post partum or what - I don't know, nor do I have the energy to figure it out.  I just know I want to feel that light sort of happiness again.  No more wet blanket.

And this experience of going on and then off zoloft has proven to me once again that I am better off with the medicine.  I was getting back to where I wanted to be and coming off of the meds is taking me back to the place I want to leave.  I was irrationally angry at Jerry Springer last night when half-assed watching 'America's Got Talent'.  It is the 0-60 anger that just isn't like me at all.

So, no more accepting life at a sub-par level.  I am going to go back to living it!  It has been a roller-coaster of a year:  letting go of 3 years of infertility trying to have another baby, getting unexpectedly pregnant 4 months later, having a physically rough pregnancy, moving and (still) owning two homes, having a baby.  So many highs and lows ... many more highs than lows though.  I am just glad that I am going to get to a point where I can enjoy them once again!

Bear with Me

I know I should be posting here more.

I want to share more here.

I have tons of posts that have been in my head.

They never quite make it to here.

I either run out of time and by the time I sit down to type it all up, it is old news.

Or I never get the time to write anything before forgetting my ideas all together.

Or my posts feel too blue or too dark.

Truth is, I am struggling lately.  I don't know if it is PPD or just generic type of depression, but it is here.

And I am struggling.

Everything is overwhelming.

Happy things are even overwhelming.

So, I need to get out of this. 

For me and for my family.

I have started conversations with doctors and feel a little better just saying it outloud this week.

So, bear with me while I work through this.

As of now, this smile is what is getting me through the day.  And what a smile it is!!

A New Olympic Event

I have been trying - with no success - to get Emily interested in the Olympics.  She has not taken to it, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Tonight I wanted her to stay upstairs with me to watch some and was trying to peak her interest in the track and field hurdle race that was getting ready to run. 

Me:  Don't you want to watch this race with me?  You get to watch them run really fast and jump over hurdles.

Emily:  Nah, I'm going to watch my show.

*1 minute later*

Emily, returning upstairs:  Okay, Mom.  I'll watch Olympics with you.

Me:  I am happy you changed your mind.  I think this will be fun to watch together.

Emily:  Me too.  And do they really jump over turtles?

Me:  No, honey, not turtles ... HURDLES.  See those things at the bottom of the screen?  Those are hurdles that the runners are going to jump over.

Emily:  Oh - well then never mind.

*Leaves me again, only to return immediately*

Emily:  I guess I will watch it with you anyway.

So, I got her to watch with me and got a great giggle too.

Feeling Good

I am back on Weight Watchers.

I am feeling great.

I have more energy.

I just feel healthier.

So, why do all of those feelings go away when my 6 year old announces "Hey Mommy - do you know the car wiggles when you sit down in it?"